When you look at me, there are
some things you don't see. In
fact, there are several thousand things you don't see - they're called hairs.
I used to have hair; I have pictures to prove it.
In fact, I used to have a crew cut -before the crew jumped ship.
I started losing my hair when I graduated from high school.
The little buggers were just as eager to get away from home as I was.
This is the way it is for many men, but it isn't our fault; we inherited this problem from our mothers (you can look it up).
It's not caused by using the wrong shampoo, eating too much chocolate or masturbation (boy, was I glad to learn this!).
Now, I admit that some of the things that have happened to me are my fault - like the tonnage that is a direct result of increased eating and decreased exercise - but not baldness.
When this process first started, I worried about losing my hair for 5, maybe 10 seconds. Then I decided it wasn't worth any heartburn.
Life is too short. I got over it.
Since then, in the intervening quarter century, I've gradually realized that there are many reasons why being bald is not as bad as most people think it is.
Here are my Top 10 reasons why being bald Is not so bad:
No. 10
Washing my hair takes very little time - roughly 7 to 8 seconds, give or take. And I save tons of money on shampoo.
No. 9
If the blow dryer doesn't work or blows a fuse -no problem.
My bathroom cabinet contains no hair spray, mousse or gel.
I haven't worried about styling my hair since Nixon was saying, "I am not a crook."
No. 8
I never had to spend money on a toupee (those things are expensive).
Once, years ago, I asked my wife if she would like me to wear a hairpiece.
Her response was something like, "The devil, you say!" I think that's sort of, more or less, the same as "Hell no!"
No. 7
Haircuts take less time. My barber saves so much time cutting my hair he ought to be paying me.
No. 6
Windy days messed-up hair not my problem.
No. 5
Wearing a hat doesn't mess up my hair. When it's cold, I like to wear a hat to keep my head warm.
Heck, I need to wear a hat - I've got no insulation up there.
Have you ever noticed how many men risk colds, flu and pneumonia on cold days because they're afraid of mussing their hair?
No. 4
I never need to carry a comb. What's to comb?
I've never been interested in combing three lonely strands across the great divide, or parting my hair an inch above one ear to try to comb a few more strands across to the other ear. (Note to others of the male persuasion: That looks really stupid.)
No. 3
Baldness is actually caused by an overabundance of testosterone (you can look it up).
If other guys want to use their testosterone growing hair, they can go right ahead.
No. 2
Believe it or not, many women like this look. Sean Connery was voted sexiest man alive - at age 73, bald as a billiard ball.
If it's good enough for James Bond (not to mention Dr. Phil) it's good enough for me.
And, the No. 1 reason why it's not so bad to be bald ...
It's me. What you see is what you get.
I mean, each to her own taste, but if a woman didn't want me because I was bald, I wouldn't want her either.
Besides, how would she like it if I told her, "I find you attractive, but I can never get involved with you because your breasts aren't big enough?" If she's that shallow, she's not for me.
Not that it matters - I'm happily married to the same beautiful woman for 32 years.
She loves me, accepts me and likes me the way I am (except for the tonnage).
Life isn't fair. If I had a choice, I wouldn't have chosen to lose my hair.
But it's not so bad, and there are even some advantages.
Remember - God only made a few perfect heads; the rest, he covered with hair.
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