Perhaps the most newsworthy event of the year occurred this week - taking the general American public by storm. Major news stations and newspapers have been following the unfolding event with a dutiful eye, making sure this story is given top priority to the American public.
And yes, you have been informed correctly: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore … is gay.
Not just gay, but specifically in love with his former friend-turned-nemesis - the dark wizard Gellert Grindelwald.
Clearly, as most noble fans must, I feel betrayed. How could an intelligent, kind and heroic man be homosexual? None of these things led me to believe - in all my nine years of following the series - that such an individual also could be infatuated with a person of the same sex. Now, my entire perception of the series is tainted.
Dumbledore's secret alliance with Professor Snape? His business trips with Ministry of Magic officials? Those late night, private lessons with innocent and only 17-year-old Harry Potter?
Tainted, tainted, tainted.
Whereas before I was fixated with the obvious knowledge of all characters' heterosexuality - as a common frame of mind - I now find myself rapt with this ultra-mega-super-unclean knowledge.
This outing by an author has made me question other beloved characters from my favorite pieces of fiction. If the greatest wizard of the modern age - sans He-who-must-not-be-named - could be thrown under the bus of gayness, what other author or creator might be waiting in the wings to ruin another imaginary universe? If Dumbledore isn't safe, who is?
My immediate concern was for Gandalf. Another wizard and older man who used to hang out with Saruman the White (a lot) before that Wormtongue started to become a distraction. I phoned J.R.R Tolkien's office, but having been deceased for a number of years, he was unable to grant my mind peace.
The people at Ronald Dahl's estate wouldn't confirm (nor deny) any information concerning Willy Wonka, Matilda or James (of The Giant Peach). Willy Wonka (dealing with children), Matilda (being a child) and James (living with magically enhanced insects in a magically enhanced peach core) would all create a sudden, irrational uproar with my understanding of each tale and its themes.
I considered calling the Wachowski brothers to confirm Morpheus's absolute straightness but thought better of it when I remembered that he was still in love with Jada Pinket Smith's character.
My last inquiry, and by far the most important, concerned the Star Wars universe. Darth Vader was married with kids and so clearly could never hone any homosexual tendencies deep inside his plastic heart. Luke and Leia, though perhaps suited for a Kentuckian-like affair for a while, don't harbor any same-sex tendencies. And the droids don't have souls, so my concern with their sexual preferences (so-called) would probably be more appropriate for the programmers involved.
But, dear Obi-Wan Kenobi is unclear and what about (GodAlmightyLord forbid) Yoda? If their sexuality was in question, my very moral structure might literally crack in half. The Jedi Master riding on the back of virile Luke Skywalker in the steamy jungle for a few months sounds questionable but, George Lucas, surely, could not betray my fandom trust with an aforementioned, imaginable detail like a fictional character's sexuality.
Lucas was unavailable for comment - and thus my wandering-like existence will continue.
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